Salem Boys Auto

Notes, Tips and Funnies!

I filter all of this through my Mom but if you find something here that offends you, let me know and I will remove it. ..Mark

(1) The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.

(3) When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank.

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!

Mark Salem
mark@marksalem.com
www.marksalem.com

When you ask me a car question, via e-mail or on TV, I am only as good as the information you give me. There are three acceptable answers to my questions, YES, NO and I DON'T KNOW. For example, if I were to give you directions to my house for dinner and leave out an important left turn, you won't likely make it.

Here is the example #1:

Hello Mark,

I have read your FAQ section. Thanks for the info. Problem ... Car starts okay. After about 1 minute the engine starts to splutter and eventually dies. Pressing down accelerator causes it to stall and dies quicker. This happens during the daytime about 2pm when the outside temperatures is about 80degF. I do the same thing at night around 9pm when the air temperature is colder, the car operates normal. Idles well at 1000rpm and accelerates well. No problems.

I checked the fuel pump - okay. Replaced fuel filter. Replaced controller on rotor etc. Makes no difference. etc.

After reading your FAQ's I began suspecting the cooling system. About 10pm temp cooler outside, I started the car and drove it about 1-mile. It operated normally but the temperature gauge was
reading abnormally high (the high-end of normal). Tomorrow during the daytime I will remove the thermostat to see if this has any effect.

Do you think I am right to suspect the cooling system? (I no longer have any faith in our local mechanics).

Roger

Roger,

I think you have a bad fuel pump, how did you eliminate it from being bad, did you run a fuel pressure test when it was acting up?

Mark

Hi Mark

No ... Did not run pressure test, no way of doing so. All I did was disconnect the fuel line under the hood and turned the key on. I could hear the pump operating and it distributed fuel through the line to where I disconnected under the hood. So from that, I assumed the pump was operating okay. As this doesn't occur until the engine heats up perhaps there is not enough pressure? Should I get a new pump?

Thanks for your reply Mark, it is well appreciated.

Roger

Roger,

I would simply have a pressure gauge installed for a few days and monitor the fuel pressure. You could put a pump in, but know I am only guessing.

Mark Salem

It's okay Mark, I found the problem and fixed it. It was the fuel pump. I put a new one in and she worked like a hot damn. I guess the pump worked okay when it was cold but when it warmed up it crapped out. Tough one but thanks for all your help.

Roger

As you can see, at first Roger said the fuel pump was OK and I almost took him at his word. Yet when I asked him how he arrived at that conclusion, that the fuel pump was OK, his answer told me about the "test" he ran. That kind of test tells you, tell us, NOTHING. That test is bogus and just seeing if fuel will spray means nothings, not to mention how dangerous that is.

YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO TEST A FUEL PUMP WITH A PRESSURE GAUGE WHEN THE PROBLEM IS OCCURRING. There is no shortcut here.

Example #2

Subj:    Re: Vibration - 92 Buick Roadmaster
Date:    5/2/01
To:    Kermit

Mark:

I need your help. I recently bought a used 92 Roadmaster with only 51,000 miles - a beautifully cared for auto - but on the highway it sometimes starts vibrating.

Mostly at high speeds such as 75 or 80, but it also does it at 50, 60 or 70

....one time it was only doing 42 MPH...it shakes and rumbles just like going over a cattle guard at 5 or 10 MPH... but same intensity at any of those speeds. 3 times we've had the tires/wheels off and balanced by 3 different outfits - they can't poinpoint a bad tire/wheel.

We've replaced the Tranny/driveshaft bushing - no difference.

Had it jacked up on stands, running at all speeds, jack up one side at a time...no vibration. This noise sometimes does it for only a few seconds, then it may rumble on and on until I have to break it by giving more gas or braking because I'm afraid it'll damage something severely. Please, please help me. Your advice will be greatrly appreciated. Everybody tells me I should buy new tires (a $400 plus hit) but my tires look great. Thanx for listening.

Kermit

We are only as good as the info you give us.

If you reread your first e-mail, you will find what we did. And that is 90% of what you told us . . . is what you did or someone else did in an attempt to fix this problem. Because you still have this problem, none of that matters. And why would all of that work that did not touch your problem eliminate any of that from being related to your problem? Otherwise, if it's not fixed yet, why couldn't it still be something they said was OK?

What we know is you have a vibration and it can occur between 42 and 70mph. We can't do anything, we can't help you find and fix this problem with this small amount of information. We don't know if the vibration is felt in the seat of your pants or in the strg wheel. Is it felt all over the car or just in the front? Has any of the work that has been done changed it for the better or the worse.

Until you (because you experience it) can do a better job of communicating what the heck this is, your success rate will continue to be low. Our questions in FAQ # 48 are designed to get that info from you.

Good luck.

Mark Salem

Subj:    Re: Vibration - 92 Buick Roadmaster
Date:    5/1/2001 11:49:18 PM Mountain Daylight Time
From:    Kermit

Mark:

Thanx for your reply. I've now read FAQ#48 three times, and feel that my mechanic, front end aligner, and two tire companies have done about everything on that list that could make that kind of noise. I was hoping you had some magic answer for me, I guess, maybe a recurring problem with these big 92/96 Buick Roadmasters, Cadillac Fleetwoods, Chevy Caprices. I guess I'll just have to wait until whatever is causing it comes completely apart-hopefully not at 80 MPH. Thanx again for your assistance.

Kermit

Then about 25 days later I get this note from Kermit:

HEY Mark

We Found it today ! It's the Lockout Switch on the automatic transmission. Thanks to Adolph at Adolph's transmissions.

Kermit

Kermit,

Do you have any idea how far away a lock up solenoid is from all of the work you had done? In your first note you said you replaced the transmission? You said it would happen at 75 to 80? WOW. Your symptoms are a long way away from a lock up solenoid problem. TCC solenoids lock at 38-45 mph and a new trans would have or should have had a new one.

Mark Salem

Best Joke I've Seen In A While

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no" the man replies. Can you get him for me?" she asks."I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender."Is there anything I can do?" Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED IN LIFE?

I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned-
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned-
that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best
time.

I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I've learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned-
that no matter how afraid you are of telling someone how you feel, you're better off being shot down, than never knowing what would have happened.

AUDI:

Another Ugly Deutsche Invention

BMW:

Bought My Wife

Brings Me Women

Brings More Women but

Broke My Wallet

CHEVROLET:

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

DODGE:

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Dead On the Day Guarantee Expires

FIAT:

Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

Fix it again Tony

FORD:

First On Race Day

Failed On Race Day

Found On Road Dead

Found On Road Downsideup (Firestone tires?)(by terryjaystein)

Fast Only Rolling Downhill

Fuel, Oil and Repair Daily (by Leland S.)

Fixed Or Repaired Daily

GM:

Garbage Motors

Gluteus Maximus

GMC:

Gotta Mechanic Coming

HONDA:

Hallmark Of Non_Destructable Automobiles

HYUNDAI:

Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

SAAB:

Shape Appears Ass_Backwards

SUBARU:

Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA:

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO:

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

PORSCHE:

Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

Thanks Mom for teaching me:

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

She said "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside I just finished cleaning!"

RELIGION

She said, "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

LOGIC

She said, "Because I said so, that's why."

FORESIGHT

She said, "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY

She said, "Keep crying and I'll "give" you something to cry about."

OSMOSIS

She said, "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

CONTORTIONISM

She said, "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

STAMINA

She said, "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

WEATHER

She said, "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

HYPOCRISY

She said, "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, Don’t Exaggerate!!!"

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

She said, "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION

She said, "Stop acting like your father!"

ENVY

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

PARTS PRICING!

Hello.

I'm wondering what the difference is between a voltage regulator that costs $12.99 and one that costs $44.90. I looked up one for my car (83 Chrysler 5th Avenue, V-8) and the price was $12.99, but when I had it replaced, the shop charged $44.90. Thanks! -Rebecca

>> This is a great question and it is never asked even though it causes customers to leave good shops.

There is AT LEAST 3 levels of parts. Just like TV's, stereos, new cars, lawnmowers, computers there are different levels of quality and the difference between the top and the bottom is often more than 150%. Not every brand, not every item but almost every auto part can be cheap, good and expensive. I looked up your regulator and my cost on the part we choose to install and sell is $19.96 and guess what the list or retail price is . . . . .$44.90. That tells me you have a Standard brand regulator.

So right out of the chute, my cost is $7.00 higher than the one you found for $13. BUT I sell and install Standard parts because they are top quality, they last forever and THEY MAKE ME LOOK GOOD. I can say, "Hey Rebecca, has everything been OK since we installed that new regulator" and I know you are going to say "Yep". I wouldn't dare ask you that when I was selling cheap, because you might say, "Well kinda, now my headlights go dim and bright and I smell rotten eggs every once in while." (both symptoms of a regulator out of range)

All of us have tried the white box brands. They are cheap and often they are defective out of the box, which leads you all over the car until you do a circle and end up replacing that cheap part again. After hours, you say, damn, that cheap part cost me some time.

Those of us that fix cars for a living know that the quality of the parts we install has EVERYTHING to do with what our customers will think of us. You can give the best car painter in the world a $14.95 gallon of paint and no matter how hard he tries, his work will look bad. Yet give him a $200.00 gallon of the best automotive paint and your car will look great. His ability is measured by the parts he uses.

Got time for a story? One of my best techs left us about 2 years ago to open his own shop. He called yesterday. He bought an engine and installed it and it failed in 250 miles. The cam came through the timing cover. Car towed back in. Another engine installed, 250 miles, engine blows again. Cam through the timing cover. This time he tears into the bad engine and the builder neglected to install washers to hold the cam in place.

This time he goes to another, far more expensive engine rebuilder, one with a much better warranty and held in much high regard by many auto repair shops and gets one of their engines. Car just fine today BUT shop has $4000.00 in out of pocket expenses for towing, rental cars and labor and the cheap engine rebuilder has told him to deal with the guys who built the engine and they aren't going to help him. He says, "I didn't buy those two engine from them, I bought them from you. You marked them up, you made money on the deal, you need to step up and work FOR me.

This "new" shop owner tells me they won't budge. He owes them more in other parts than they owe him, so I tell him to use his offset and tell them to go fly a kite. He asks, "Has this happened to you, why don't you use these engines?" I tell him they did the same to me and John and Mike and Fred and Ronnie and Bruce. I learned the hard way, just like you just did.

This same parts store is all over my area. They advertise everything for under what I can buy it for, but I will never install their parts, never use their parts and never suggest their parts because they sell junk.

What's the difference between cheap and good or expensive? Good and expensive (G&E) starter solenoids have copper contacts, cheap has aluminum. G&E starters have all new parts, cheap just replaced the part that failed and repainted it and put it on the shelf. G&E belts $12-25 are thicker, stretch less and have a lifetime warranty than the ones that cost $5.99.

Look at it this way. They sold you a premium part, they didn't charge you a penny more that the list price and they didn't guess on the repair. They didn't "try this, oops that didn't work, let's try this". They were capable of pinpointing your problem, fixing it and you were charged a fair price.

Here's what I hear day in, day out. Here's the OTHER side:

"I went to the cheap auto parts store, a young kid came out and said his machine said my battery was bad. I replaced it $48. (in fact you can't condemn a battery unless you can verify it's ability to be charged and accept a charge) That didn't do it. I took my car back and he said I had a bad alternator, $69. I bought one and put it in and my car still died 9 hrs later. Another alternator in case this one was defective, a new belt $8, now what do I do Mark?"

Mark says, "A competent shop would likely have charged you $18-25 to test your alt, your regulator, your battery and for shorts and draws. You have spent far more time and money guessing than the diagnostic and repair would have cost you in the first place."

Mark Salem

Hi everyone, my Mom sent me these and I thought they were worth sharing ... Mark

EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS:

When in sorrow..............................................call John 14

When men fail you..........................................call Psalm 27

If you want to be fruitful.................................call John 15

When you have sinned....................................call Psalm 51

When you worry.............................................call Matthew 6:19-34

When you are in danger..................................call Psalm 91

When God seems far away.............................call Psalm 139

When your faith needs stirring........................call Hebrews 11

When you are lonely and fearful.....................call Psalm 23

When you grow bitter and critical..................call I Corinthians 13

For Paul's secret to happiness........................call Colossians 3:12-17

For understanding of Christianity...................call II Corinthians 5:15-19

When you feel down and out..........................call Romans 8:31

When you want peace and rest.......................call Matthew 11:25-30

When the world seems bigger than God.........call Psalm 90

When you want Christian assurance...............call Romans 8:1-30

When you leave home for labor or travel.......call Psalm 121

When your prayers grow narrow or selfish....call Psalm 67

For a great invention/opportunity...................call Isaiah 55

When you want courage for a task..................call Joshua 1

For how to get along with fellow men............call Romans 12

When you think of investments and returns.....call Mark 10

If you are depressed.......................................call Psalm 27

If your pocketbook is empty............................call Psalm 37

If you are losing confidence in people............call I Corinthians13

If people seem unkind.....................................call John 15

If discouraged about your work......................call Psalm 126

If you find the world growing small & yourself great.................call Psalm 19

Alternate numbers:

For dealing with fear................call Psalm 34:7

For security..............................call Psalm 121:3

For assurance...........................call Mark 8:35

For reassurance........................call Psalm 145:18

Emergency numbers may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is necessary.

What Men really mean,
from a Women's point of view:

I’m going fishing.

I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

It’s a guy thing.

There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

It would take too long to explain.

I have no idea how it works.

You know how bad my memory is.

I remember the theme song to "F troop", the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

Take a break honey, you’re working too hard.

I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.

And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I can’t find it.

It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.

What did I do this time.

What did you catch me at?

You look terrific.

Oh please, don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving!

I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.

No one will ever see us alive again.

We share the housework.

I make the messes, she cleans them up.

So you just turned 18 and you know it all. . .

Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He has written a list of things he did not learn in school for high school and college graduates. In his book, he talks about how the liberal, feel-good, politically correct garbage has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 -- Life is not fair; get used to it.

Rule 2 -- The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 -- You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you "earn" both.

Rule 4 -- If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

Rule 5 -- Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping; they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 -- If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

Rule 7 -- Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 -- Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

Rule 9 -- Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 -- Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 -- Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. 061999

Engineers Again!

A minister, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers to play through.

The engineer fumed, "What gives with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know but I've never seen such duffers."

The minister said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what about that group ahead of us? They couldn't slower without falling into a coma."

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, the blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. Then the minister said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my friend the ophthalmologist buddy to see if he can do anything for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" 061999

Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew:

1... If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.

2... Please learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up . . . put it down.

3... Do not cut your hair. Ever.

4... Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. You'll just have to live with it.

5... Get rid of your cat.

6... Sunday = 3D Sports.

7... Anything you wear is fine. Really.

8... You have enough clothes.

9... You have too many shoes.

10..Crying is blackmail.

11..Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.

12..Mark anniversaries on a calendar for us.

13..Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.

14..Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.

15..A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Please see a doctor.

16..Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

17..If you do not dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, do not expect us to act like soap opera guys.

18..If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

19..Let us ogle. If we do not look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

20..Do not rub the lamp if you do not want the genie to come out.

21..You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

22..Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 031099

Rules to Live By

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.

When you say, "I love you", mean it.

When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Believe in love at first sight.

Never laugh at anyone's dreams.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Talk slowly but think quickly.

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask,"Why do you want to know?"

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Call your Mom.

Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Remember the three R's:
   Respect for self
   Respect for others
   Responsibility for all your actions.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

Spend some time alone.

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.