Tips and Funnies!
all of this through my Mom but if you find something here that offends you, let me know
and I will remove it. ..Mark
(1) The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting
down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each
telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a
halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone,
you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed
its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a
telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when
a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a
"real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately
start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This
confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.
(3) When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these
"ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit
cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most
of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the
regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the
last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of
your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. Send
an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank.
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!
When you ask
me a car question, via e-mail or on TV, I am only as good as the information you give me.
There are three acceptable answers to my questions, YES, NO and I DON'T KNOW. For
example, if I were to give you directions to my house for dinner and leave out an
important left turn, you won't likely make it.
Here is the example #1:
I have read your FAQ section. Thanks
for the info. Problem ... Car starts okay. After about 1 minute the engine starts to
splutter and eventually dies. Pressing down accelerator causes it to stall and dies
quicker. This happens during the daytime about 2pm when the outside temperatures is about
80degF. I do the same thing at night around 9pm when the air temperature is colder, the
car operates normal. Idles well at 1000rpm and accelerates well. No problems.
I checked the fuel pump - okay. Replaced fuel filter. Replaced controller on
rotor etc. Makes no difference. etc.
After reading your FAQ's I began suspecting the cooling system. About 10pm temp cooler
outside, I started the car and drove it about 1-mile. It operated normally but the
temperature gauge was
reading abnormally high (the high-end of normal). Tomorrow during the daytime I will
remove the thermostat to see if this has any effect.
Do you think I am right to suspect the cooling system? (I no longer have any faith in our
I think you have a bad fuel pump,
how did you eliminate it from being bad, did you run a fuel pressure test when it
was acting up?
No ... Did not run pressure test, no way of doing so. All I did was disconnect
the fuel line under the hood and turned the key on. I could hear the pump operating and it
distributed fuel through the line to where I disconnected under the hood. So
from that, I assumed the pump was operating okay. As this doesn't occur until the engine
heats up perhaps there is not enough pressure? Should I get a new pump?
Thanks for your reply Mark, it is well appreciated.
I would simply have a pressure gauge
installed for a few days and monitor the fuel pressure. You could put a pump in, but know
I am only guessing.
It's okay Mark, I found the problem
and fixed it. It was the fuel pump. I put a new one in and she worked like a hot damn. I
guess the pump worked okay when it was cold but when it warmed up it crapped out. Tough
one but thanks for all your help.
As you can see, at first Roger said
the fuel pump was OK and I almost took him at his word. Yet when I asked him how he
arrived at that conclusion, that the fuel pump was OK, his answer told me about the
"test" he ran. That kind of test tells you, tell us, NOTHING. That test is
bogus and just seeing if fuel will spray means nothings, not to mention how dangerous that
YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO TEST
A FUEL PUMP WITH A PRESSURE GAUGE WHEN THE PROBLEM IS OCCURRING. There is no shortcut
Vibration - 92 Buick Roadmaster
I need your help. I recently bought
a used 92 Roadmaster with only 51,000 miles - a beautifully cared for auto - but on the
highway it sometimes starts vibrating.
high speeds such as 75 or 80, but it also does it at 50, 60 or 70
....one time it was only doing 42
MPH...it shakes and rumbles just like going over a cattle guard at 5 or 10 MPH... but same
intensity at any of those speeds. 3 times we've had the tires/wheels off and balanced by 3
different outfits - they can't poinpoint a bad tire/wheel.
replaced the Tranny/driveshaft bushing - no difference.
Had it jacked up on stands, running
at all speeds, jack up one side at a time...no vibration. This noise sometimes does it for
only a few seconds, then it may rumble on and on until I have to break it by giving more
gas or braking because I'm afraid it'll damage something severely. Please, please help me.
Your advice will be greatrly appreciated. Everybody tells me I should buy new tires (a
$400 plus hit) but my tires look great. Thanx for listening.
We are only as good as the info you
If you reread your first e-mail, you will find what we did. And that is 90% of what you
told us . . . is what you did or someone else did in an attempt to fix this problem.
Because you still have this problem, none of that matters. And why would all of that work
that did not touch your problem eliminate any of that from being related to your problem?
Otherwise, if it's not fixed yet, why couldn't it still be something they said was OK?
What we know is you have a vibration and it can occur between 42 and 70mph. We can't do
anything, we can't help you find and fix this problem with this small amount of
information. We don't know if the vibration is felt in the seat of your pants or in the
strg wheel. Is it felt all over the car or just in the front? Has any of the work that has
been done changed it for the better or the worse.
Until you (because you experience it) can do a better job of communicating what the heck
this is, your success rate will continue to be low. Our questions in FAQ # 48 are designed
to get that info from you.
Vibration - 92 Buick Roadmaster
Date: 5/1/2001 11:49:18 PM Mountain Daylight Time
Thanx for your reply. I've now read
FAQ#48 three times, and feel that my mechanic, front end aligner, and two tire companies
have done about everything on that list that could make that kind of noise. I was hoping
you had some magic answer for me, I guess, maybe a recurring problem with these big 92/96
Buick Roadmasters, Cadillac Fleetwoods, Chevy Caprices. I guess I'll just have to wait
until whatever is causing it comes completely apart-hopefully not at 80 MPH. Thanx again
for your assistance.
Then about 25
days later I get this note from Kermit:
We Found it today ! It's the Lockout
Switch on the automatic transmission. Thanks to Adolph at Adolph's transmissions.
Do you have any idea how far away a
lock up solenoid is from all of the work you had done? In your first note you said you
replaced the transmission? You said it would happen at 75 to 80? WOW. Your symptoms are a
long way away from a lock up solenoid problem. TCC solenoids lock at 38-45 mph and a new
trans would have or should have had a new one.
Best Joke I've Seen In A While
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in
a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. Are you the manager?"
she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no" the man replies.
Can you get him for me?" she asks."I need to speak to him," she says,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
I'm afraid I can't", breathes the
bartender."Is there anything I can do?" Yes, there is. I need you to give him a
message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently. What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to
say. Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the
WHAT HAVE YOU
LEARNED IN LIFE?
that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and
you must forgive them for that.
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last
time you see them.
that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and
there had better be something else to take its place.
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless
of the consequences.
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to
help you get back up.
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the
right to be cruel.
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they
don't love you with all they have.
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've
learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are
responsible for who we become.
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just
because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will
find the strength to help.
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
that no matter how afraid you are of telling someone how you feel, you're better off being
shot down, than never knowing what would have happened.
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Bought My Wife
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women but
Broke My Wallet
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dead On the Day Guarantee Expires
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix it again Tony
First On Race Day
Failed On Race Day
Found On Road Dead
Found On Road Downsideup (Firestone tires?)(by
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Fuel, Oil and Repair Daily (by Leland S.)
Fixed Or Repaired Daily
Gotta Mechanic Coming
Hallmark Of Non_Destructable Automobiles
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
Shape Appears Ass_Backwards
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
Thanks Mom for teaching me:
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
She said "If you're going to kill each other, do it
outside I just finished cleaning!"
She said, "You better pray that will come out of
She said, "Because I said so, that's why."
She said, "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
you're in an accident."
She said, "Keep crying and I'll "give" you
something to cry about."
She said, "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
She said, "Will you look at the dirt on the back of
She said, "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is
She said, "It looks as if a tornado swept through your
She said, "If I've told you once, I've told you
a million times, Dont Exaggerate!!!"
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
She said, "I brought you into this world, and I
can take you out."
She said, "Stop acting like your father!"
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
I'm wondering what the difference is between a voltage regulator that costs $12.99 and one
that costs $44.90. I looked up one for my car (83 Chrysler 5th Avenue, V-8) and the price
was $12.99, but when I had it replaced, the shop charged $44.90. Thanks! -Rebecca
>> This is a great question and it is never asked even though it causes customers to
leave good shops.
There is AT LEAST 3 levels of parts. Just like TV's, stereos, new cars, lawnmowers,
computers there are different levels of quality and the difference between the top and the
bottom is often more than 150%. Not every brand, not every item but almost every auto part
can be cheap, good and expensive. I looked up your regulator and my cost on the part we
choose to install and sell is $19.96 and guess what the list or retail price is . . . .
.$44.90. That tells me you have a Standard brand regulator.
So right out of the chute, my cost is $7.00 higher than the one you found for $13. BUT I
sell and install Standard parts because they are top quality, they last forever and THEY
MAKE ME LOOK GOOD. I can say, "Hey Rebecca, has everything been OK since we installed
that new regulator" and I know you are going to say "Yep". I wouldn't dare
ask you that when I was selling cheap, because you might say, "Well kinda, now my
headlights go dim and bright and I smell rotten eggs every once in while."
(both symptoms of a regulator out of range)
All of us have tried the white box brands. They are cheap and often they are defective out
of the box, which leads you all over the car until you do a circle and end up replacing
that cheap part again. After hours, you say, damn, that cheap part cost me some time.
Those of us that fix cars for a living know that the quality of the parts we install has
EVERYTHING to do with what our customers will think of us. You can give the best car
painter in the world a $14.95 gallon of paint and no matter how hard he tries, his work
will look bad. Yet give him a $200.00 gallon of the best automotive paint and your car
will look great. His ability is measured by the parts he uses.
Got time for a story? One of my best techs left us about 2 years ago to open his own shop.
He called yesterday. He bought an engine and installed it and it failed in 250 miles. The
cam came through the timing cover. Car towed back in. Another engine installed, 250 miles,
engine blows again. Cam through the timing cover. This time he tears into the bad engine
and the builder neglected to install washers to hold the cam in place.
This time he goes to another, far more expensive engine rebuilder, one with a much better
warranty and held in much high regard by many auto repair shops and gets one of their
engines. Car just fine today BUT shop has $4000.00 in out of pocket expenses for towing,
rental cars and labor and the cheap engine rebuilder has told him to deal with the guys
who built the engine and they aren't going to help him. He says, "I didn't buy those
two engine from them, I bought them from you. You marked them up, you made money on the
deal, you need to step up and work FOR me.
This "new" shop owner tells me they won't budge. He owes them more in other
parts than they owe him, so I tell him to use his offset and tell them to go fly a kite.
He asks, "Has this happened to you, why don't you use these engines?" I tell him
they did the same to me and John and Mike and Fred and Ronnie and Bruce. I learned the
hard way, just like you just did.
This same parts store is all over my area. They advertise everything for under what I can
buy it for, but I will never install their parts, never use their parts and never suggest
their parts because they sell junk.
What's the difference between cheap and good or expensive? Good and expensive (G&E)
starter solenoids have copper contacts, cheap has aluminum. G&E starters have all new
parts, cheap just replaced the part that failed and repainted it and put it on the shelf.
G&E belts $12-25 are thicker, stretch less and have a lifetime warranty than the ones
that cost $5.99.
Look at it this way. They sold you a premium part, they didn't charge you a penny more
that the list price and they didn't guess on the repair. They didn't "try this, oops
that didn't work, let's try this". They were capable of pinpointing your problem,
fixing it and you were charged a fair price.
Here's what I hear day in, day out. Here's the OTHER side:
"I went to the cheap auto parts store, a young kid came out and said his machine said
my battery was bad. I replaced it $48. (in fact you can't condemn a battery unless you can
verify it's ability to be charged and accept a charge) That didn't do it. I took my car
back and he said I had a bad alternator, $69. I bought one and put it in and my car still
died 9 hrs later. Another alternator in case this one was defective, a new belt $8, now
what do I do Mark?"
Mark says, "A competent shop would likely have charged you $18-25 to test your alt,
your regulator, your battery and for shorts and draws. You have spent far more time and
money guessing than the diagnostic and repair would have cost you in the first
Hi everyone, my Mom sent me these and I thought
they were worth sharing ... Mark
sorrow..............................................call John 14
When men fail
you..........................................call Psalm 27
If you want to be
fruitful.................................call John 15
When you have
sinned....................................call Psalm 51
worry.............................................call Matthew 6:19-34
When you are in
danger..................................call Psalm 91
When God seems far
away.............................call Psalm 139
When your faith needs
stirring........................call Hebrews 11
When you are lonely and
fearful.....................call Psalm 23
When you grow bitter and
critical..................call I Corinthians 13
For Paul's secret to
happiness........................call Colossians 3:12-17
For understanding of
Christianity...................call II Corinthians 5:15-19
When you feel down and
out..........................call Romans 8:31
When you want peace and
rest.......................call Matthew 11:25-30
When the world seems bigger than
God.........call Psalm 90
When you want Christian
assurance...............call Romans 8:1-30
When you leave home for labor or
travel.......call Psalm 121
When your prayers grow narrow or
selfish....call Psalm 67
For a great
invention/opportunity...................call Isaiah 55
When you want courage for a
task..................call Joshua 1
For how to get along with fellow
men............call Romans 12
When you think of investments and
returns.....call Mark 10
If you are
depressed.......................................call Psalm 27
If your pocketbook is
empty............................call Psalm 37
If you are losing confidence in
people............call I Corinthians13
If people seem
unkind.....................................call John 15
If discouraged about your
work......................call Psalm 126
If you find the world growing small
& yourself great.................call Psalm 19
For dealing with
fear................call Psalm 34:7
security..............................call Psalm 121:3
assurance...........................call Mark 8:35
reassurance........................call Psalm 145:18
Emergency numbers may be dialed
direct. No operator assistance is necessary.
Men really mean,
from a Women's point of view:
going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,
while the fish swim by in complete safety.
Its a guy thing.
There is no rational thought
pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
It would take too long to
I have no idea how it works.
You know how bad my memory is.
I remember the theme song to
"F troop", the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
Take a break honey, youre
working too hard.
I cant hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner.
Hey, Ive got my reasons for
what Im doing.
And I sure hope I think of some
I cant find it.
It didnt fall into my
outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.
What did I do this time.
What did you catch me at?
You look terrific.
Oh please, dont try on one
more outfit. Im starving!
Im not lost. I know exactly
where we are.
No one will ever see us alive
We share the housework.
I make the messes, she cleans
So you just turned 18 and you know it all. . .
Charles Sykes is the
author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He has written a list of things he did not learn in
school for high school and college graduates. In his book, he talks about how the liberal,
feel-good, politically correct garbage has created a generation of kids with no concept of
reality and set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1 -- Life is not fair; get used
Rule 2 -- The world won't care about
your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good
Rule 3 -- You will not make 40
thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car
phone until you "earn" both.
Rule 4 -- If you think your teacher
is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5 -- Flipping burgers is not
beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping; they
called it opportunity.
Rule 6 -- If you screw up, it's not
your parents' fault so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.
Rule 7 -- Before you were born, your
parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning
your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save the
rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing
the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 -- Your school may have done
away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing
grades, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of
course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
Rule 9 -- Life is not divided into
semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you
find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 -- Television is not real
life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 -- Be nice to nerds. Chances
are you'll end up working for one. 061999
A minister, a doctor
and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers to play
The engineer fumed, "What gives
with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't
know but I've never seen such duffers."
The minister said, "Hey, here
comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what about
that group ahead of us? They couldn't slower without falling into a coma."
The greens keeper replied, "Oh,
yes, the blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
Then the minister said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
The doctor said, "Good idea.
And I'm going to contact my friend the ophthalmologist buddy to see if he can do anything
The engineer said, "Why can't
these guys play at night?" 061999
That Guys Wish Women Knew:
1... If you think you
are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.
2... Please learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up . . . put it down.
3... Do not cut your hair. Ever.
4... Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. You'll just have to live with it.
5... Get rid of your cat.
6... Sunday = 3D Sports.
7... Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8... You have enough clothes.
9... You have too many shoes.
10..Crying is blackmail.
11..Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
12..Mark anniversaries on a calendar for us.
13..Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We are
bound to miss sometimes.
14..Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15..A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Please see a doctor.
16..Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
17..If you do not dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, do not expect us to act like
soap opera guys.
18..If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad
and angry, we meant the other one.
19..Let us ogle. If we do not look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
20..Do not rub the lamp if you do not want the genie to come out.
21..You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
22..Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or
sleep all you want.
When you say, "I love you", mean
When you say, "I'm sorry", look the
person in the eye.
Be engaged at least six months before you get
Believe in love at first sight.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get
hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
In disagreements, fight fairly. No name
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask,"Why do you want to know?"
Remember that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.
Call your Mom.
Say "bless you" when you hear
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Remember the three R's:
Respect for self
Respect for others
Responsibility for all your actions.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great
When you realize you've made a mistake, take
immediate steps to correct it.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller
will hear it in your voice.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you
get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
Spend some time alone.
Open your arms to change, but don't let go of
Remember that silence is sometimes the best
Read more books and watch less TV.
Trust in God but lock your car.
A loving atmosphere in your home is so
important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
In disagreements with loved ones, deal with
the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve
Be gentle with the earth.
Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
Mind your own business.
Once a year, go someplace you've never been
If you make a lot of money, put it to use
helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
Remember that not getting what you want is
sometimes a stroke of luck.
Learn the rules then break some.
Remember that the best relationship is one
where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
Judge your success by what you had to give up
in order to get it. 031999
1. This employee has
reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it's only to change the foot that was previously
5. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
6. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
7. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
8. He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
9. He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
10. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
11. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
12. A photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
13. He donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
14. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming.
15. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
17. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
18. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
19. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
20. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
21. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 020599
think that 99.9% is "good enough",
then here's what one tenth of
one percent (0.1%) represents:
EVERY MINUTE, 629 cans (26 cases)
of soft drinks produced will be flatter than a bad tire;
22,000 checks will be deducted form the wrong bank accounts;
12 babies will be given to the wrong parents;
107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed;
EVERY YEAR, 315 words in
Websters New International Dictionary will be misspelled.
Things you can learn from your dog . . .
When your loved one comes
home, always run and greet them.
Let others know when they have invaded your
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto.
When you want something badly, dig for it.
When someone is having a bad day, be
silent, sit close and nuzzle them.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
When it's hot, drink lots of
water and lay under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around and wag your
Give unconditional love.
Stay close to your loved one in times of
If you are scolded, run right back and make friends.
Never pass up the chance to go for a walk.
070298 updated 2-5-99
You move. No, you
move . . .
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL
radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your
course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to
divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US
Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT
CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
Canadians: This is a lighthouse sir,
it's your call.
In the past, I've teased engineers
for a bunch of reasons. Some have taken offense while others have laughed at themselves
with the rest of us. Here's another funny story about engineers, but is really about
the relationship between Apple and Microsoft.
Three Apple engineers and three
Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three
Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a
"How are three people going to
travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Microsoft engineer.
"Watch and you'll see",
answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The
Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple engineers cram into a
restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the
conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and
agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the
Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return
trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel
without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.
"Watch and you'll see, "
answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three
Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another
one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says,